Here it goes... I have ventured back into the dusty, tumbleweed-riddled, deserted ghost town that was (is?) my blog.
When I first attempted this digital journaling thing I wasn't prepared for the response. I wasn't prepared for my own feelings about what I was writing. I wasn't prepared for the silence. I wasn't prepared for the criticism. And I truly wasn't prepared for the commitment of regular posting. So, I gave up.
I gave up because I had so much growing to do. So much healing. And so much life...so much.
After more than two years away I have gained a new perspective on what this blog could be. When I first started writing I only thought about what it "should" be. I do that a lot. I think of what should be or what I should think, or should do. But that way of thinking is like filling your bathtub with the stopper open. You waste so much energy just trying to keep your knees covered, but you just end up shivering in a puddle.
So, no more "should" - only could, will, and did.
This is about opportunities, choices, and results.
Those three simple things are what make up life. I have been hiding in a fantasy land of what I hoped my life would be, what I feared my future held, or regrets of actions in my past. Should left no room for what I was choosing to do in any given moment.
Should leaves no room for NOW.
If there is one thing the past few years have taught me, it is that regardless of what you do or don't do, time marches on. As Solomon says in Ecclesiastes, "For every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven." Whether I am holed up in my darkened bedroom, hiding from the painful reality of my life, trapped in the quiet miasma of clinical depression, or frantically busying myself with the distracting freneticism of activity...the days, weeks, months, and years keep rolling by.
So I choose to the see the opportunity that this blog holds for me, and for my family, and for anyone who hears my story. I choose to tell that story, even knowing some people will have negative reactions. Even knowing very VERY many people will likely ignore my story. Even knowing I may break someone's heart or hurt someone's feelings. Even knowing that I may shock the world with the truth of my life. Even knowing that I could be someone's inspiration or mentor. Even knowing that I could incite wrath, or irritation, or cynicism, or bitterness, or frustration, or vitriol, or love, or adulation, or obsession, or boredom, or misunderstanding, or any of the myriad emotions of the human animal.
I choose to tell my story because it is the best way I know of to advocate for myself, for my family, for my child, for my spouse, my community, my faith, my ideals...for a better world for all of us! That said, it is NOT enough to just fight for MY life or MY child or MY issues. If advocacy is truly my passion, then I need to teach other people how to advocate for THEIR lives, THEIR children, THEIR issues. I fundamentally believe that we are each our OWN most powerful and effective advocate. I think, as I tell more of my story, people will see the power of self-advocacy in action.
And after all this time I finally accept that my story is worth telling. It is worth hearing. It is worth sharing.
And it is about time.
Grace & Peace,
:-)) Hannah
